A Metaphysical Guide to Online Dating
By Stephanie Kato, Metaphysical Intuitive Healer
“I met my true love through online dating!!”
How often have you heard those words uttered? I know some people find love this way and every time I hear this, it warms my heart. More often than not, however, it feels more like an exercise in futility. Men and women alike expend time, energy and money hoping to find love only to end up feeling discouraged and hopeless. When online dating doesn’t produce the person of our dreams, are we destined for a lonely existence? Not at all – it depends on how you choose to look at it.
How do we stay hopeful in this microcosm of society that has shaped how we meet and date? Is there a way to avoid the “negative” feelings associated with online dating? How can we distinguish between the scammers and liars and people desiring friendship and love?
Two years after my divorce, I suddenly found myself considering this new world of dating. According to eharmony, 40% of American use online dating to find love. It’s not that organic ways to meet people no longer exist…they do. We can still meet potential partners at the grocery store, before school drop-off/after school pick-up, exercise venues, work, friends and family, common interest activities, work functions, bars, clubs, higher education, metro, elevators and gas stations. It’s just that online dating (and the digital world in general) can be accessed in the comfort of your own home as it serves up a veritable menu of potential partners. This has also changed how we relate to one another. If you “meet” someone on a dating app it usually starts with someone liking your pic, or both swiping right. If they are really interested, they will send a comment along with the smiley/heart/thumbs up emoji. “Hello” is followed by “How’s your day” and if one (or both) are especially witty, a fun and funny email / text conversation ensues. More often than not, an exchange of hellos is followed by silence. Because this is online dating, when someone disappears like that we tend not to personalize it since we understand most people are probably “talking” to several other people. It feels different than meeting someone at the grocery store, exchanging numbers and never hearing from them again. There is a level of detachment with online dating that can protect our egos, in a sense.
It can also get very tiring. Constantly reviewing profiles or looking at the seemingly endless parade of pictures can make even the most optimistic person’s energy wax and wane. I’ve talked to many people who find it all rather time consuming and discouraging. Look, it’s one thing if you’re keeping it light and just having fun. There’s nothing wrong with meeting for friendship or hook ups but what if you’re serious about getting serious? It takes on a different energy and can feel fairly heavy, especially when Prince or Princess Charming does not seem to materialize after months or years.
More than a decade had passed since my last foray into dating and this being my first experience with the online thing, I decided to enter it with a specific perspective. I chose to see it as a sociology experiment, instead of solely looking for Mr. Right. I’m someone who has participated in a great deal of internal healing and I wanted to take the “new, healthy me” out for a ride, so to speak. My experiences thus far have been fascinating! I signed up with about 7 different dating sites (over a period of time, not all at once – could you imagine?!) including one LA boutique matchmaker.
Busting out of the gate (and being a fairly type A personality) I agreed to 5 dates in a week, burned out, and quickly realized I should probably slow down a bit, or a lot! It can take some time to get the gist of how to date online. There is a definite learning curve and it’s fun and helpful to share experiences with other friends who are “out there”. You might see their pic and profile or even get matched with them (I certainly did and boy, did we have some fun sharing stories)!
My intention in writing is not to give you the traditional how-to’s with online dating as there are many other, more experienced daters who can handle that. I’m a Metaphysical Intuitive who teaches clients how to self-heal and by doing so, reclaim their self-worth and embrace self-love. Learning how to make online dating work for you is a special skillset and I’m going to teach you how you can utilize it as a way to date and get to know – YOU!
I assume you date because you seek friendship, companionship, a love relationship, and/or marriage, am I right? Every human being on the planet possesses their own particular level of self-awareness and self-esteem. Issues around self-worth causes suffering and nowhere is this more apparent than within our relationships. We can use online dating to observe and inform ourselves of who we believe we are, how worthy we actually feel, the ways we protect our emotional hearts, and how much we are willing to trust – ourselves first and then others by extension.
The Healing Mirror
I discuss the Healing Mirror in my Metaphysical Cleanse Online Course. Viewing potential love partners as mirrors of ourselves can provide an illuminating look into our own psyches. What we believe to be true becomes true. When we attract different personalities into our lives, we begin to see parts of ourselves being reflected back through others and the Healing Mirror. (These could be current reflections of self if we are being shown where we need to heal or past reflections of ourselves with aspects still present, if we have participated in internal healing.) Do past relationships and current online potentials share similar personality traits that do not work for you? If so, this is not a coincidence. You are actually a co-creator of your life, nothing happens in isolation. Whenever you meet someone new, you both created the meeting into existence. This is great news because shifting certain self-beliefs can change the type of person you attract into your life.
“Like attracts like”…I’m sure you’ve heard this saying. If you aren’t happy with the matches you are receiving online, ask yourself – what is being mirrored back to me? Am I creating experiences that validate beliefs I hold about myself (i.e., low self-esteem, unworthiness, etc.)? What aspects of this person do I inhabit within myself? Have I experienced this personality before (think: childhood) and do I want to experience it again if I choose to date this person? Sometimes life will give us the opportunity to say no to an experience you’ve already had and know doesn’t work for you. This exercise requires genuine and sincere honesty and may not be easy to participate in. I encourage you to do so anyways because this may be one of the most powerful revelations you can have as a result.
Let me give you an example: A nice looking man contacted me online. We both preferred speaking directly as opposed to texting so we started having some stimulating and in-depth conversations. I discovered he was interested in learning many different things and this made him very interesting to me. He had the gift of gab so that was fun. We are both single parents as well as business owners and had much to discuss. Our politics, however, were very different. This alone did not knock him out as a contender since I am also practicing tolerance of those with views that differ from my own. Most of my friends are like-minded politically and I was interested in understanding what made this man tick. I will preface this by saying his views on a couple of human rights issues were similar to mine, otherwise it really would have been a non-starter for me.
Ok, back to the story…I’m not really a superficial conversationalist and it appeared he wasn’t either, thus our conversations turned toward some deeper human issues. I noticed fairly quickly that he was pretty cynical so I took note of it and filed it away in my mental files. I stayed present with my observations and didn’t allow my mind to venture into judgment (he himself told me he knew he was cynical). My goal? I was investigating to see if there was enough there for me to continue. I shared my more optimistic views with him and he was open to hearing them, even commenting that I would be good for him (to which my mind wondered “Yes, but would you be good for me?”). After a few days and more conversations, I realized his cynicism was more pervasive than I originally thought (he really doesn’t like people and judges them harshly). At this point I knew: (1) He has every right to live his life however it serves him, and it is not my business to try to change him; (2) my only job was to determine if I could accept him as he is with no other expectations; and (3) I recognized that his cynicism was very similar to both my ex-husband and a family member from my childhood. Taking note of #3 above, I realized I already had an experience with a cynical love partner and I want to experience someone different. I desire to be with someone joyful and who is able to see the good in people! I thanked him for his time and I wished him well as I closed the conversation between us.
How does this relate to the Healing Mirror? I recognized there may always be a part of me that is initially attracted to the brooding type of man and knowing that I have “been there, done that” and I am desiring something new, I allowed for both this initial attraction and my rejection of same. I didn’t beat myself up because I attracted “yet another one like my past”. Instead I allowed the experience and appreciated how it mirrored the reality of what was and gave me an opportunity to consciously choose differently.
Present Mindfulness Living with Detached Observation of Your Mind
The key to this guide is practicing Present Mindfulness. One of the most sacred and profound daily practices I teach is being present and mindful in your life while watching and listening to the thoughts your mind is presenting as truth. Not all thoughts we have originate from within, in fact many of our thoughts come from others’ beliefs, news, social media, society, culture, religion…you get the idea.
We are not responsible for our thoughts –
we are responsible for our present thinking.
Right now…think back to your last relationship. Have you been able to view it from a different perspective today than you did when you were in it or even just after it ended? If not, please take the time to do so and ask yourself these questions. Since we cannot control another person’s behavior or thoughts, all we can do is take responsibility for our part in the experience. Until we do this, we will be a prisoner to our unconscious beliefs and behaviors and choosing healthy partnerships may continue to elude us.
- What ‘red flags’ did I overlook?
- Where specifically did I make excuses for someone else’s behavior?
- What did I choose to ignore or deny, to avoid accepting a truth and/or because I benefitted from staying in denial at the time?
- Did I take someone else’s behavior personally and if so, did I (consciously or unconsciously) believe I deserved to be treated in a dishonoring way?
- Was I able to tolerate our differences and be respectful of same or did I try to control the other person and attempt to coerce them (through manipulation or demanding) into who I wanted them to be?
- Having experienced partners and relationships, do I feel more or less self-love and self-worth today?
What if we could use online dating as a way to discover who we really are and in doing so create the happy life we truly desire? Guess what? We can! In fact, I believe this is one of the greatest opportunities we have to learn what our self-worth really is.
Next time you go out with a potential partner, practice present mindfulness. Use your observations to inform you about who you are meeting. Remember one of the most important truths there is:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”
~ Maya Angelou
If you can remember this for every single human interaction you have, you will save yourself so much frustration and disappointment in your life. It’s human for us to want to see someone differently than who they show up to be. Whenever we begin dating, we show up with many different feelings: desires, requirements, hopes, fears, expectations, insecurities, and excitement. Our feelings of worthiness (or lack thereof) can form our perceptions of a new potential partner.
People will tell you and show you who they are
Example #1: I spoke with “Bob” a couple times before meeting. He told me about himself: what he does and what he used to do. He did ask me about myself and then we agreed to meet. I gave him a window of time that I had because I needed to pick my daughter up and bring her home. He told me that traffic would be very bad for him during that time and he wanted to meet later that evening. I took note of this and agreed to meet later. When we got seated and got our drinks I noticed that when he was talking about himself, he would hold direct eye contact with me. However, at the moment that I started to share about myself, he broke eye contact and got his drink and wasn’t as present with me. Knowing that he had chosen his comfort first when we were choosing a time to meet and his showing me he wasn’t willing to be fully present with me when he had the opportunity to get to know me, I realized this is a person who would most likely require his needs to come first. He is within his right to live this way and noticing what he was showing up with, and also given the fact that I had experienced a selfish partner in my past, I decided this was not someone I wanted to continue seeing. Coupled with the fact that my gut was saying “no”, I thanked him for the evening and told him I didn’t believe we would be a good fit. Using the Wisdom of Your Body as a guide can be very helpful when determining if someone is a good match for you.
Example #2: “Don” and I both swiped right on each other and began with some online texting. I liked his banter and pic so we decided to meet. He had originally offered coffee or dessert and I suggested both because they go together so well! He asked what my fav restaurant was in my city and I asked if he would kindly choose for us. He ended up picking one of my favs and we went there. Originally slotted for 5 he had to push it to 5:30 due to work and I wondered if I might get hungry for more than dessert as this was dinnertime for me. I don’t like to be presumptuous so I decided to follow his lead. He pulled out my chair and immediately asked if I was hungry and did I have time for dinner? He took care of my concern immediately and I appreciated it. During dinner we had some great conversations and he said he didn’t usually share deep things on a first date, like he was with me. He was very present when we were both speaking and I knew he really wanted to get to know me with his questions. He was open and unguarded when I inquired about him and his life. He got my take away box and held it so it wouldn’t flip off the table as I scooped my food into it. He showed up as an interested and generous gentleman and I knew this was a man I wanted to spend more time with in the future. My gut felt very calm and when he asked to see me again I was happy to agree.
In these two examples I stress the importance of being present with what your body is telling you as well as observing your mind. Have you ever heard that “little voice” telling you something that you did not heed, only to regret not having done so? This voice is actually your “higher self” or your spiritual self. This part of you knows the truth…always – and is present to guide you in your life. Dating can be a way to connect you with your intuitive self and encourage you to listen to your gut instincts. Practice staying connected to your higher self and let it aid you in all aspects of your life. By doing so this part of you will teach you how to trust yourself.
Your gut feeling (don’t ignore it!) can also protect you from potential scammers and liars. If you get a sense that someone is not telling you the truth or their story doesn’t add up, google them and their story (especially reverse google image search). Many scams are outlined online and can show you what unethical people are doing to take advantage of vulnerable people.
How Re-parenting & Healing Your Inner Child Can Attract “The One”
Do you remember earlier when I shared the following three things:
- Everyone has the right to live their life as they choose, even if it means I won’t get my needs met by them.
- Can I accept this person EXACTLY as they are today, with no need to change them to suit my needs?
- In what way do I lead my life expecting others to behave in a certain way?
The process of dating and being in a relationship can be a wonderful opportunity to heal your wounded inner child who is still very much alive within you. Just because it has been a decade (or more) since you were a child doesn’t mean the little one who lived through and survived your childhood is gone. In fact, when we start dating people we can see the presence of our little one very clearly. How? Let me break it down for you here:
- Notice when these thoughts pop up in your mind –
- “Should I be truthful on my profile? Should I make myself younger/older? Maybe I should use an older picture when I was thinner.”
- “What if he/she thinks I’m too fat? What if they don’t like my personality/face/body/job/clothes/home?”
- “Should I text/call him/her? How long should I wait? What if I do/say the wrong thing and they don’t call me again, what will I do?”
- Do I reveal childhood trauma early on?
- Do I talk about past hurts/betrayals from other relationships early on?
- Do I keep my heart closed and protected because of hurts from the past?
- Do I over give as a way to feel worthy? For example, do I buy things for people they mention they like before I’ve even met or right after meeting them?
- Do I agonize over what to wear and criticize your clothes/body?
- Do I spend a lot of money on clothes/accessories to impress someone else?
- Do I text/call someone too much before we’ve even met in person?
- Do I say one thing and do another?
- Do I judge others and expect them to behave differently?
- Do I feel lonely when I am by myself?
- Do I lack integrity or lie about who I am?
All of the above can be indications that the adult you is not really the one who is stepping into dating situations but is actually the unhealed/emotionally wounded inner child who is needing validation of his/her self-worth. How can we know who is in charge? By checking in with yourself when you notice your mind is asking you these questions. A good exercise is to close your eyes and take a deep breath. When you feel these insecurities see if you can connect with how old you are feeling at that exact moment. Chances are you will feel much younger than the adult age you are in the present moment. When we practice this exercise we discover who is making our choices – the adult or the inner child.
Re-parenting and healing our inner child takes time and courage. If you are interested in this type of work, please visit my website to learn more about this life-changing healing experience here, and contact me to begin some metaphysical sessions.
Our love relationships can be the greatest source of self-healing for all of us. It depends on how we perceive “truth” and how this shapes our perspectives. When we use the experiences of dating and relationships with the intention to learn how to love ourselves and truly know how worthy we are, we can experience time with others as joyful and feel gratitude for all of it – the “good” and the “bad”. The most important gift we can give ourselves when navigating the world of dating is self-compassion. Remember – we are all human beings doing the best we can with the beliefs we currently hold about who we are.
I am committed to assisting you in discovering the truth of who you are. We are all worthy simply because we exist. There is nothing we need to do in order to be worthy. We just are. We experience suffering in our lives when we don’t embrace and live from this truth.
I work directly with clients at my office, in metaphysical phone sessions, through speaking engagements, sacred healing circles and upcoming webinars. I appreciate your time in reading this article. Happy dating! Stephanie
If you would like to schedule a session with me, please contact me at Stephan[email protected]. Thank you!